How to Stay Calm and Respond Assertively to Criticism Without Disrespect

Arguments can easily escalate, especially with people closest to us. Knowing how to lower the tension without stooping to the other person’s level is a vital skill—one that can preserve your peace and respect in the conversation.

Why You Need Assertiveness to Stop a Heated Scolding

Disagreements are inevitable, but being disrespected is a line you shouldn’t let others cross. American psychologist Lisa Firestone offers a powerful method called the unilateral disarmament technique to end pointless arguments without offending the other person.

What Is the Unilateral Disarmament Technique?

Firestone explains that heated disputes ignite resentment, clouding our perspective and triggering blame exchanges that only worsen the situation. Her five-step process helps you cool things down and communicate calmly:

1. Relax Before You Speak
   Most explosions come from minor issues at the worst moments. Take a deep breath, step back mentally, and focus less on the other person’s words and more on what you want to say.

2. Don’t Return the Blow
   Responding with aggression only fuels conflict. Instead, discuss your feelings and actions without criticizing the other person’s behavior. Often, they’ll realize their mistake and apologize especially if your relationship is good.

3. Answer Kindly and Calmly
   You don’t have to agree, but adopt a non-threatening tone that encourages mutual relaxation. A small gesture like holding their hand or saying “I love you”—can soften tensions.

4. Empathize and Listen Carefully
   Even if you disagree, make them feel heard. Listening breaks down walls and might even open you to new perspectives beyond just “winning” the argument.

5. Express Your Feelings Honestly
   Often, the real hurt isn’t about the subject but the feelings around the tone or approach. Explaining your emotions helps resolve the underlying issues and prevents recurring conflicts.

Saying “No” Assertively But Respectfully

Beyond calming arguments, knowing how to say no firmly yet politely is crucial. Psychologist Beatriz Galván highlights the emotional cost many face when refusing requests.

“Many fear saying no because they worry about damaging relationships. But setting boundaries in all your interactions is essential; without limits, you lose yourself.”

People who always say yes to preserve peace often sacrifice their needs and damage their self-esteem in the process.

How to Say “No” Without Guilt or Aggression

Galván offers a clear roadmap to make this easier and keep your relationships intact:

1. Listen Actively
   Don’t automatically reject something just to say no. Hear the other person out fully, then decide if you truly want or need to refuse.

2. Verbally Acknowledge Their Feelings
   Show empathy by reflecting how you think they feel. This reduces misunderstandings and softens the rejection.

3. State Your Boundary Firmly, Without Justifying
   You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Use the broken record technique calmly repeat your refusal as many times as needed without engaging in provocations before moving on.

4. Offer Alternatives When Possible
   If you can’t agree to their request, propose other options you’re comfortable with. For example, decline an evening outing but suggest meeting for coffee in the afternoon.

5. Don’t Give In to Emotional Blackmail
   Some might try to guilt-trip you into compliance. Stick to your boundary without excuses. Remember: No means no—and that’s perfectly okay.

Final Thoughts: Master Assertive Communication to Protect Your Peace and Self-Respect

Whether defusing an argument or turning down requests, assertive communication empowers you to set healthy boundaries while maintaining respect—for yourself and others. Techniques from experts like Lisa Firestone and Beatriz Galván provide practical, respectful tools that help you stay calm, clear, and confident even in tense moments.

By mastering these skills, you reclaim control over your emotions, your space, and your choices building stronger relationships rooted in mutual respect.